I Need To Fix Me
by VaRuka
Summary: Ever thought about how Buffy feels, about Buffy... and everyone? Think what you think, but read what she thinks. Post- CWDP


I Need To Fix Me

  
  


Author: VaRuka (ME!)

Rating: PG or Pg-13 I'm not sure.. Me being me and all...

Summary: Buffy's Thoughts Right After "CWDP"

Disclaimer: Hmmm... these days people have the coolest disclaimers... they're like funny and witty so awesome... but uh I'm not them.... so Characters not mine *sniffles*, Everything Thing Else is fucking mine though... grrr *chokes on pudding* I always do that.

  
  
  
  


So this is what I do. I drive my friends away with a smile on my face. I push Dawn to her limits with a nonchalant shrug. I fuel Spike's insanity and killing sprees with a giggle coming from my throat. This is what I do. I simply can't stop being masochistic to myself, to others, and especially Spike. 

Is this the way it's always going to be? When did this start? I can barely remember. It's just gone on for so long. It started from the beginning, whenever the beginning was. And now everything's crashing down on me full circle. It's my fault. It's my mess. But am I cleaning it up? No. I'm crying inside. I'm crying deep down inside. The little girl in me despises what I've become. Heck, I despise what I've become.

Is it time to die now? I truly wish it was. I would be over joyed to just curl back up in my coffin and never have to return to see this revolting mess I've made, I've helped create. I could have nipped this in the bud. I could have pounded the shit out of it, then killed it, and finished the job with a smart ass quip. But I didn't. I didn't even notice, till it was done.

As I walk the same familiar path, in one of Sunnydale's twisty and dark graveyards I can't help but wonder these things. I can't help but do what Angel does best. Brood. 

Willow is broken, trying to get fixed. Dawn is in a corner, trying to get fixed. Xander is smashed, trying to get fixed. Spike is burnt into little ity bity pieces, trying to... I have no clue. And me, what about me? Am I fixing at all? Am I still the broken, warped, and twisted girl hiding behind flashy new clothes and funny lines? Exactly. I'm not fixing myself. I'm hardly attempting. 

I still am treating Spike as if he's something to be yanked around on a string, or thrown away in a blink of an eye. Honest compassion is surely not one of my strong points. I still treat Willow as a person I once knew and loved long ago. I still treat Dawn as if I can just pat her head, give her a smile, and push her out of my way. Oh, and Xander as if he's still that goofy Xander that rode a skateboard back in high school. I treat them as if... as if... they're all beneath me.

But they aren't! NO! How could I, Buffy Anne Summers, treat the people I would die for in an instant like this? They have done so much... for me. I'm just so self-centered. Everything has to revolve around me. I'm the sun, Dawn's Pluto, Willow's Earth, Spike's Jupiter, Xander's that other one... that one... uh... Uranus! It's so abusive of me. It makes me feel like a demon. As if I'm one of the vile creatures I kill everyone night. 

Gross. Just disgusting. 

Why do I do these things? Why? That's the question, the most vital question in my little universe that needs to be answered! Only I can answer it. Only I know, how I feel. But it's not that easy, to just ask yourself how you feel and get a straight answer. Sometimes you try and bury how you really feel, put and X over top of it, and leave it. Then when you want to know, want to unlock your secrets, you can't find that X, or they're just to many. Just to many stupid secrets within. 

Tucked away inside I'm an ungrateful, whiney, self-centered, bitch. But I didn't start out this way. I never wanted to end up like this. What wrong path did I take? What wrong map was I reading? That I'm still reading? 

To many questions to be answered. To many answers needed. To many things I have to consider, mull over, realize, and fully admit to myself. I've been 'denial girl' for way to long. I've been 'secret keeping girl' for way to long. I've been holding everything in for way to long. I'm a filling water balloon that hasn't stopped being filled. Somebody please just poke a hole! But not just any old somebody can do it. It has to be me. 

I have to let this all out of my chest. Lay everything on the line. Sit down and fully see the consequences of my actions. But I'm the Slayer! Yeah... but you're also a woman, a girl, a child, whispers that voice I rarely listen to anymore. That voice, which is my own, not my duty or principles, but my feelings. 

I love them all. Oh, and I love Spike, contrary to popular belief. I do. I've been battling it for so long, that I usually go cross eyed from trying to see who won after the dust settled. Then I just stuff that info away to be forgotten, or to be never brought forth to my attention again. I love him. I love him. I love him. I can't help but repeat it, basking in my first baby step to... maybe... start fixing myself. 

Yeah! I'm fixing, healing, recuperating! I snort into the cold chilly air. Okay, I'm attempting to do just those things. I don't want to be this false Buffy anymore. I don't want to be this abusive Buffy anymore. I want to be...

And here I go again, giving myself another question to be answered. Another one of the great Buffy riddles to be solved. I'm a paradox. Wait, did I just use a big Willow type word? I have to smile at my growing-up-ness. But the little smile doesn't last long. Nothing lasts long for me, and that's another one of my problems. 

I should be locked up, in some kinda psycho ward for my behavior. I played with, and I played everyone. I've damaged the people I love in ways I wish couldn't be true. What is left of Buffy that can be fixed, repaired? Should I really attempt to fix myself? Is it worth it? Am I worth it? The Slayer part of me screams yes, but the woman part doubts and fears. 

That's me. I'm a divided person. I shouldn't be. I was born the Slayer. I am one with it, but yet I like to catagorize it under 'Slayer Part of Buffy'. I need to fix this. No matter if I'm not worth it. I need to fix me. I need to mend. 

I need help. I never ask for help, I demand it. So this will be the first time... Will they accept me with open arms? Will they shed tears right along with me? Will they cast me aside while remembering all the horrible things I've done? Will they see me as I truly am, the confused, lost, lonely girl, and mock me in my moment of utter vulnerability as I have done to them?

They just can't. They have to accept as I have accepted them and what they have become. They have to.... or maybe they will not. I can confirm it as much in my mind as I want, but still not be sure of their reactions. They have changed, just as I have. For better or for worse, I don't know. I don't pay attention enough to know.

I just have to fix myself and get better. If that happens, they will get better. I just have to be the Buffy they will love with earnest. The Buffy Spike deserves. The Buffy Willow deserves. The Buffy Xander deserves. The Buffy Dawn deserves. But what about the Buffy, Buffy deserves? I'm to far gone. I guess I just can't be that Buffy. But I can sure as hell is hot pretend. 

So now I'm back to square one, where it all began. Or is it square two? Aw, forget about it, Buff. I'm gonna change again and accept my truths. That's all we ever do. 

Sadly, I can do neither, until I've answered my questions. And until that day comes, they are stuck with this Buffy. I'm sorry, to say, I'm not sorry. 


End file.
